The Day My Kid Almost Died

Two weeks ago my daughter almost died.

Just typing that sentence gives me the chills, I can feel my heart sink to the pit of my stomach and my eyes are starting to get glossy, swelling up with salty wet tears. I go to a place of terror and sadness as I relive the traumatizing memory of my daughter's close call with death.

It was sunny and warm and the solar powered pool in my backyard was up to 80 degrees. This was perfect I thought, after all the strange weather we had been having lately we finally caught a break. We could go swimming! Yes! I have been waiting patiently since the end of last summer to finally get back in the pool.

I asked my daughter during her favorite movie if she wanted to go swimming, and before I could even blink she had already grabbed my hand and was walking me up the stairs to grab her swimsuit. We put our suits on and I invited my youngest sister to come with us, she obliged. We spent about an hour and half splashing each other, swimming laps, and hitting each other with pool noodles. We had a great time, but I remembered that earlier my grandma had called and said she would be coming over to visit around 4 pm.

It was 3:45 pm so I told my daughter it was time to get out and dry off because Grandma would be here soon. I took her life jacket off and wrapped a towel around her cold wet skin. She told me she was freezing, so I told her we could go sit in the sun by the pool to dry off, she would be warm there. As we were drying off, my Grandma had shown up, and she was trying to come out the sliding glass door to see us, she is fragile, her hands shake and sometimes she has trouble walking. I could see her struggling to get the door open, so I say to my daughter," Come on Milania, Grandma's here follow me so we can help her outside."

I was not prepared for what happened next.

I had assumed my daughter followed me, she usually does, so I went to help my 83 year old grandmother outside. As I grabbed a hold of my grandmother's hand I heard a loud scream. It was my sister instantly I turned around and I saw my daughter was in the pool under water not moving. Before I could even move my sister had already jumped in the pool and grabbed my daughter out of the water.

The whole thing only lasted about 20 seconds but it was the most terrifying 20 seconds of my life. I was panicking, what if she is dead? Why didn't I just pick her up? I'm the stupidest person alive. I don't want to lose her.

Fortunately she was perfectly fine, we didn't have to administer CPR, call the paramedics, or anything because she was perfectly fine, but I wasn't. My daughter almost died, and it was my fault. I didn't even save her myself, my sister did. I am the worst mother alive! How could I allow this to happen under my watch? How am I going to tell my fiancee? I'm dreading that phone call, he isn't going to trust me to care for our daughter anymore. I was feeling guilty as hell.

My fiancee tried to assure me it wasn't my fault, he told me I should be grateful my sister was there, and I was but that didn't take away the tremendous amount of guilt I felt for putting my daughter in harm's way. As a mother it's my job to protect my daughter from these things and I failed miserably.

2 weeks have gone by since her near death experience, but I don't feel any better. In fact we haven't been in the pool since. I just can't seem to escape this overwhelming amount of guilt that is hanging over me like a black cloud. She almost died, under my watch. Why can't I just let this go already? Why am I still hanging on to a painful memory? Because she almost died. I don't know if I will ever get over this, but I know this much I am forever grateful to my sister.

Photo Credit: All photos courtesy of me

Dealing With Mommy Guilt

Maybe I am the only one who struggles with this, maybe I am not I really don't know, but I have a lot of mommy guilt. When I found out I was pregnant in September of 2010, it was a complete surprise I mean after all I had just turned 24 was working on finishing my degree, unmarried, and wasn't planning on having kids until I was at least 28. But life is funny like that and sometimes throws you a curve ball, anyway while I was pregnant I really never thought of how I was going to feel once I gave birth and held that baby in my arms. My only worries were: how much labor and giving birth would hurt.

Fast forward to today, my daughter is now 15 months old and I am scared (please excuse my foul language) shitless. I often feel stress and anxiety about my parenting skills. Despite the immense experience I have with kids, from working a pre-school, and helping raise my niece and nephew,  I still feel so in over my head. I find myself constantly asking myself, "Am I doing this right?" Should I give her that extra bottle, just because she says "Mama baba?" Should she even still be drinking out of a bottle after all she is 1 now? And she loves her pacifiers they make her so happy, I mean look at her:

 She seems so happy, but everyone keeps telling me, "You need to try and take those things away, the longer you wait the harder it will be." Thanks for the unwanted reminder. They are comforting for her and they make her happy, plus if I take them away I feel as though she won't understand why I'm doing it. I know they have to go sometime but I don't feel like either of us are ready to part with them. So I start to feel guilty, like I am doing her an injustice, I'm enabling her. After all I'm the mother, not her. This feeling is very frustrating.

And then there's the bad mom thoughts, I get these thoughts a lot, "Am I a bad mother because I let her watch TV at 15 months old?" "Am I bad mother because I leave her alone for 5 minutes so I can try to make a phone call to her doctor?" I can see her from the table. When she bumps her head on the couch, "Was it my fault because I didn't get to her sooner?" "If I check my phone or browse my tablet does that mean I'm not giving her enough attention?" I do all these things, so I must be a bad mother... this is what I find myself saying to myself way too often.

When you become a parent all this unwanted parenting advice comes at you from every direction, even from people you don't even know. It's very difficult and I have to say it gets to me sometimes, I feel the guilt but I never really talk about it. I told my boyfriend how I felt yesterday for the first time, he tried to make me feel better and assured me I'm the perfect mother, however; it's nice to hear but I know I'm still going to have these fears and I must deal with the guilt. I had a very difficult time growing up and experienced many horrible things that no one should ever have to go through, sometimes I think those experiences are what are fueling these fears, I just don't want to screw her life up or have to experience anything that I did. It's a cold world out there.

I know she knows I love her and deep down I know I'm doing the best that I can. And I know she loves me too, but that doesn't make motherhood any easier, after all; she is only 1 right now. Some days are better than others but I guess I'm just going to keep on fighting through this. Perhaps I should seek therapy I don't know, but I hope one day this will guilt will pass and I can accept the fact that it's ok to make mistakes. For now I need to just keep reminding myself kids don't come with instruction manuals, you do the best you possibly can, and if you make a mistake you learn from it and keep going.