How To Talk To Your Children About Tragedy and Tragic Events

I can still hear it, the sound of my phone alerting me of a incoming text message. I remember exactly what is said, "Boston explosions :/ people's legs blown off" that was the message I received from my significant other informing me of yesterday's bombings that occurred shortly after 4 pm EST during the Boston Marathon. I was very confused by the text I had just woken up from a nap and didn't know what to make of it. So I did what most people would have done I searched the Internet for more information. And turned the news on. 

Flipping through the local news channels, nothing. It was too soon, I found an article online explaining what happened, 2 bombs had gone off shortly after 4 pm EST during the Boston Marathon, killing 2 people and injuring at least 23 people. That was yesterday afternoon, since then the death toll had risen to 3 and left 145 injured including at least 12 in critical condition. 

Immediately I thought about my daughter, she's only 23 months thank god she is too little to understand. She won't be asking any questions, she won't want to know why this happened, she won't tell me she's scared, she won't have nightmares. I can take comfort in knowing that I don't have to explain the evils of the world we live in just yet. 

But what if she was older, what if she did understand and wanted answers? What if she felt those same emotions that the rest of the world is feeling right now, sadness, fear, confusion, what would I have said to her? I'm not a psychologist, or a doctor, a teacher or anything else, just another stay at home mother who has lived through another tragic event in history so what could I say to my child after this? I thought long and hard about this all night yesterday and even early this morning. This is what I came up with after doing a little research online and adding in knowledge I gained from my own experiences with tragic events.

1.) Try to keep the conversations short. Giving too much information or including too many details in the discussion may leave your children feeling frightened or insecure, by keeping the discussion short you are able to address the situation but also keep your child from panicking. Make sure you reassure them that they are safe. If my daughter would have asked what happened I probably would have said something like, "Some bad guys hurt a lot of people yesterday, but a lot of good people like doctors, nurses, firefighters, police officers, even the president came to help them. The good people are going to make them all better, and they are also going to protect us and keep us safe."

2.) Make your child feel comfortable and safe by using plenty of nonverbal reassurance. Showing your child lots of love by hugging them and kissing them, even just cuddling whether it's before bed or while playing or watching TV together, will put them at ease and make them feel secure and safe. As a child after the 1994 Northridge Earthquake my mother used to let me cuddle with her after dinner, I would tell her before bed I was scared and I remember she laid in my bed with me and held me for awhile, it always put me at ease and made me feel safer.

3.) If possible try to avoid watching News Broadcasts on TV or listening to it on the radio in front of small children. As a kid the one thing that scared me the most after tragic events was news broadcasts, they tend to say things and show things that may scare a child like, blood, injuries, talk about death and have a tendency to use words that may frighten a child like terrorists, bombs, guns, shootings, etc. The images and language may be tough for a child to see and hear. As a kid I remember growing up always watching news broadcasts with my parents I remember the bombings in Oklahoma City from 1994. It was terrifying to see the explosion and all of the wreckage after it occurred, I had nightmares of it as a kid, I wished my parents would have watched it when I wasn't around.

4.) Remember your kids may want to talk about it again at another time, so be prepared to have the discussion again.  Chances are your kids may hear you discuss it with others, or hear about it at school or daycare, be prepared to answer their questions as best as you can without making them feel frightened. Try using words they understand and words you comfortable using, this may or may not be the time to discuss death with your child.

5.) Try your best not to show your own fears and anxieties about the situation. Kids feed off of their parents' energy so if they sense you are scared they probably will be too. You want to make your children feel secure, I'm not saying to lie to them or hide your feelings but let them know you are upset about what some bad people did, but assure them that lots of good people are working hard to fix it and keep everyone safe, and/or make things better. 

6.) Try to get things back to normal as best you can. Of course you may still be upset and hurting but your children may not understand and the best way you can try to help yourself and your children move on is to resume normal activities. By resuming normal activities it may take not only your mind off of the situation but also theirs too, it will help them feel more secure and possibly help curb anxieties they may feel.

Obviously I'm not an expert on this particular topic but I did do some research before I wrote this post, and I spoke to other moms, and used my knowledge from my own experiences to help come up with these tips. If you or your child is still having trouble coping don't be afraid to seek the help of a professional, they are there to help you and your family members get through these sorts of situations. My heart, thoughts, and prayers go out to everyone who has experienced sadness, grief, and anger from this tragic event. Good luck to everyone and remember to pray for everyone in Boston. #PrayForBoston

Photo Credit: Washington Post

Why you shouldn't feel guilty if you don't/can't breastfeed your baby

So I'm working on a special post about breastfeeding, sort of an impromptu guide for new moms. It's probably going to take me awhile before I post it because even though I know a lot about this topic, I'm still doing some more research to brush up. Before I post that I want to post this first, for those of you out there feeling guilty about not breastfeeding your child or stopping. You shouldn't feel guilty.

A few days ago I was having a conversation with one of my friends about breastfeeding, she was going on about how great it is for your baby and how anyone who doesn't should be ashamed of themselves for giving their child anything but breast milk. She said "It's unnatural to not breastfeed." I could feel myself getting annoyed by the minute, but because she's a good friend I refrained from putting her in her place even though she clearly deserved it.

This is a topic that is very dear to my heart, I breastfed my daughter until she was about 6 months old. I actually wanted to and planned on breastfeeding her longer but due to low milk supply I was forced to stop. When I realized my milk supply was low, I tried a variety of different things to help. Mother's Milk Tea, herbal supplements, etc. when I realized it wasn't working I was absolutely heart broken. I remember I cried for a month. The thought of having to give my daughter formula saddened me.

I felt like I had failed as a mother because I could no longer feed my child, it was awful. My lowest point was probably about a month after I had stopped breastfeeding and I had an appointment to see my doctor for a physical, she was asking me how I was doing and that was it I lost it and burst into tears.I have a great relationship with my doctor, I'd been seeing her for years even before I got pregnant, she was more like my older friend then my doctor, so I felt comfortable telling her how I felt.  I told her exactly how I felt, like I've failed as a parent because I'm not breastfeeding anymore. I thought, "Why me? Why can't I feed my child, other women are able to breastfeed for years why can't I? I must be a bad mother because I can't provide for my child" I said all of those things to my doctor.

I remember she came over to me and gave me a hug and some tissues and said this to me, "You're a great mother whether you breastfeed your child or give her formula. Obviously there are benefits to breastfeeding, but you did the best you could. Your daughter is healthy and growing just fine, she's hitting all her milestones and is doing just fine. So what if you give her formula that doesn't make you a bad parent, lots of women give their children formula and they grow up to lead normal healthy lives. You shouldn't feel ashamed that you had to stop, you're a good mother."

Hearing her say those words just made something in my brain click. Why should I feel guilty that I stopped breastfeeding, I did the best job I could, I breastfed her for as long as I possibly could. Breastfeeding is not an indication of how well you are parenting. I have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, I am a good mom, I've done everything I could to make sure my child was healthy and well nourished.

So if you're reading this and you're feeling guilty because you don't or can't breastfeed, stop. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, breastfeeding is not for everyone and it can be difficult and mentally draining. As long as you do what's best for you and your child, that's all that matters. Well there are obvious health benefits to breastfeeding it doesn't mean if you don't breastfeed that your child won't grow up healthy. I only breastfeed my daughter for 6 months and she didn't even get sick until she was 1. She's only been sick twice in the 15 months she's been alive.

Plenty of women give their children formula and they grow up to normal healthy adults, there is absolutely no reason that you or any other women should feel guilty about not breastfeeding. So the next time you go to scoop that formula into the bottle, remind yourself, "You are a great mother, you're doing a great job caring for your child, you love your child more than anything and you're doing the best job you can. You have nothing to feel guilty about!"

This is my daughter on her 1st birthday she looks pretty happy and healthy to me, so I don't think giving her formula hurt her one bit, therefore; I have nothing to feel guilty about and neither should you!

Dealing With Mommy Guilt

Maybe I am the only one who struggles with this, maybe I am not I really don't know, but I have a lot of mommy guilt. When I found out I was pregnant in September of 2010, it was a complete surprise I mean after all I had just turned 24 was working on finishing my degree, unmarried, and wasn't planning on having kids until I was at least 28. But life is funny like that and sometimes throws you a curve ball, anyway while I was pregnant I really never thought of how I was going to feel once I gave birth and held that baby in my arms. My only worries were: how much labor and giving birth would hurt.

Fast forward to today, my daughter is now 15 months old and I am scared (please excuse my foul language) shitless. I often feel stress and anxiety about my parenting skills. Despite the immense experience I have with kids, from working a pre-school, and helping raise my niece and nephew,  I still feel so in over my head. I find myself constantly asking myself, "Am I doing this right?" Should I give her that extra bottle, just because she says "Mama baba?" Should she even still be drinking out of a bottle after all she is 1 now? And she loves her pacifiers they make her so happy, I mean look at her:

 She seems so happy, but everyone keeps telling me, "You need to try and take those things away, the longer you wait the harder it will be." Thanks for the unwanted reminder. They are comforting for her and they make her happy, plus if I take them away I feel as though she won't understand why I'm doing it. I know they have to go sometime but I don't feel like either of us are ready to part with them. So I start to feel guilty, like I am doing her an injustice, I'm enabling her. After all I'm the mother, not her. This feeling is very frustrating.

And then there's the bad mom thoughts, I get these thoughts a lot, "Am I a bad mother because I let her watch TV at 15 months old?" "Am I bad mother because I leave her alone for 5 minutes so I can try to make a phone call to her doctor?" I can see her from the table. When she bumps her head on the couch, "Was it my fault because I didn't get to her sooner?" "If I check my phone or browse my tablet does that mean I'm not giving her enough attention?" I do all these things, so I must be a bad mother... this is what I find myself saying to myself way too often.

When you become a parent all this unwanted parenting advice comes at you from every direction, even from people you don't even know. It's very difficult and I have to say it gets to me sometimes, I feel the guilt but I never really talk about it. I told my boyfriend how I felt yesterday for the first time, he tried to make me feel better and assured me I'm the perfect mother, however; it's nice to hear but I know I'm still going to have these fears and I must deal with the guilt. I had a very difficult time growing up and experienced many horrible things that no one should ever have to go through, sometimes I think those experiences are what are fueling these fears, I just don't want to screw her life up or have to experience anything that I did. It's a cold world out there.

I know she knows I love her and deep down I know I'm doing the best that I can. And I know she loves me too, but that doesn't make motherhood any easier, after all; she is only 1 right now. Some days are better than others but I guess I'm just going to keep on fighting through this. Perhaps I should seek therapy I don't know, but I hope one day this will guilt will pass and I can accept the fact that it's ok to make mistakes. For now I need to just keep reminding myself kids don't come with instruction manuals, you do the best you possibly can, and if you make a mistake you learn from it and keep going.